The Definition of Beautiful
comments • Tagged Musings, Society • posted in blog • PermalinkWow. I’m blown away, surprised, and heartened. My last post, The Definition of Ugly, received so much feedback and love and support from friends, acquaintances, and even readers that had not heard of me before. It got reposted on Lip Mag’s website, retweeted here and there, and reposted on Facebook by people I don’t know.
I didn’t write it for popularity, but I did hope for a little bit of validation. I had thought about it while waiting for a bus outside Mystique in the Valley, which is holding their Are You It? campaign to find the face of their club. I saw the people hanging around Mystique and realised that even if I showed up at their club religiously every night, I’ll never win their competition. I’ve participated in enough auditions to know that my look is not desired, my style is not desired, “I” as a physical concept am not what most people want representing a product or service or lifestyle.
I don’t tend to put much effort into my appearance out of laziness. My parents are often on my case for not caring – my dad (who has more skin products than I do) used to keep buying me acne cream, and my mum often comments on how I should exercise to get rid of my belly and how “you know, if you only took care of yourself you would look so pretty!!”. It also doesn’t help that I’ve seen audition forms where I’ve been classified as having “bad” skin, or that when I was at LUCT I was asked if I’d like someone else to front the Newage booth (a newspaper I founded) to give it “image”.
I don’t usually pay attention, but it gets rather annoying after a while. I was fed up of not being able to see people like me represented or heralded as “beautiful” anywhere. I wanted society to change, to see people like me as beautiful, to appreciate my features and colours. But as they say, if you keep having problems and the only common factor is you, it means it’s a problem with you.
Or maybe not.
So many people reached out to me and said I was beautiful. That I was alive, vivacious, positive, confident, had great teeth, great smiles, great attitude. One friend compared me to a mountain, strong and confident with a cloudy mysterious aura.
They related their body and image issues, their confessions of crotch foundation and being a minority in a minority and still dealing with issues even after giving up beauty magazines. I was told that there is a subsection of SuicideGirls dedicated to fanciers of the hirsute (yay hairy people!).
Evelyn Hartogh shared her script for The Tampon Lady. Miss Bertie Page thought my proposed act sounded like a modern art installation piece (which then got quite a few people asking for tickets!). I got amazing quotes and wisdom from everywhere:
From my burlesque teacher and hero Lena Marlene :
If it helps in any way I have friends who are conventionaly, classically gorgeous and they still don’t feel like they are ‘beautiful’ – who does? But there is much to be said for suceeding ‘in spite’ of what we look like as opposed to ‘because’ of what we look like and besides I think you are beautiful so there!
My dear drag queen boylesque friend Adam who quotes Tim Burton:
“You are taught from a very early age to conform to certain things.” He also said how the freaks and outcasts from high school turned out to be the most normal, well adjusted and beautiful people, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. And the people that society deems to be beautiful, normal and well adjusted, are the ones who fade away.
Just remember that those who do not have a path carved out for them, usually carve out their own, and are stronger people for it. While you may have to carve out your own path in life, you will be a more beautiful person for it.
My improv director Louise Callinan shares the words of Dawn French’s father:
“Never forget what a treasure you are, and if your faith in that ever wobbles, have a look in the mirror and have confidence in what you see. You are a rare thing, an uncommon beauty, a dazzling, exquisite, splendid young woman.” and he goes on further but later Dawn states that from then on that her fathers confidence in her gave her an inner strength and belief in herself that stayed in tact even through some significant attacks throughout her life.
and also recommends Ani DeFranco’s Not a Pretty Girl and Darren Hanlon’s I Wish I Was Beautiful For You (the video for this is a cover):
Ani DiFranco – Not A Pretty Girl
Another burlesque friend and co-organiser of the Decadence parties, Kat, shares a story that surprised me:
Tiara, at our first Fringe Bar rehearsal, the first time the MAD Dance group met the Scoundrells group, YOU stood out. Meeting YOU led me to the conclusion that Scoundrells would be more fun to train with than MAD (assuming I would meet more people like you at Scoundrells). I loved that you weren’t one of those Barbie types, with simple minds, simple interests and the need to conform. I love that you are who you are. You’re a bright shining star! (Not to mention that you have THE ULTIMATE name!!) ;)
(I would have thought Adam was the stand-out star personally ;D)
Miss Bertie knocks some sense into me:
Take a look around at Brisbane’s top burlesque performers, does Lena look like Dita Von teese? How about Red or triple treat? They’re successful because they’ve done it their own way. Work hard and cast fear aside,maybe the burlesque you’ve seen isn’t your style , find the way to make it work for you. Your proposed act sounds like a modern art installation.
and then suggests I look up Doris La Trine (warning: may make you want to pee:)
My goodness. so much beauty everywhere, it overflows and runs like a waterfall. Thank you. Thank you so much.
I was asked to write a followup note, but this time instead of listing out my flaws I list out the things that make me beautiful. Well all right then:
I have awesome eyes. Yes. There, I’ve claimed it. Tons of people point it out to me and it’s about time I relish them (instead of trying to cut away my eyelashes like I did once as a fed-up teen). Also, I like all the different streaks and colours my hair goes through from time to time.
I have a BELLY! Which is great for BELLYDANCE! and all related activities. I am snuggable and my bosom makes for great Cornershop-style pillows.
My legs are actually pretty long. And pretty hot. So are my arms, especially when unsleeved. The fuzz on them keeps me warm and, well, fuzzy. I can tumble backwards, stand on my shoulders, and lift myself up using my hands.
I have a face that is expressive and chameleonic. It is its own character. I have smiles and grins that shine happiness from far away. My teeth are in good health and I’ve never needed a cavity or filling.
I am not shy about my body. I have just rediscovered its potential and look forward to stretching it out in circus or burlesque. I have a sharp keen mind that loves learning and is especially awesome at creating new connections out of unrelated things. My spirit is seeking, open, welcoming, contemplative of others’ experiences.
I’m always eager to help out whenever I can. I love deeply and warmly. I am always available for hugs and kisses. I am loyal and show my admiration and appreciation for people. I create new things out of all sorts of stimuli. I have enough energy to sustain a room. I work for the greater good. I am silly and random and crazy and nutty. I don’t hold back my laughs. I’m willing to shave my head or wear a crazy costume.
I have the most beautiful friends and family in the world. And we all make each other beautiful.
None of us are perfect, but most of us are perfectly fine how we are.
You DO have freakin’ gorgeous legs!
— Nikki J · Apr 27, 04:25 PM · #
I’m in love with your last quote. You are amazing! x
— Siobhan · Apr 27, 04:33 PM · #
Nice pics! Haha, were you being selective in the ones you picked out last time? And I have to agree with the belly and being snuggable. :)
— Mark · Apr 27, 04:39 PM · #
I think what you’ve worked through in the last few blog posts will stand you in good stead for the future. I remember going through a similar gamut of emotions when I was in my early twenties.
I was fat and had acne, I was loud and boisterous, but I was also capable of deep introspection. Once I figured out it was ok to be all of these things, and that I was lovable not just by other people but lovable by myself, everything got better. People started to admit they admired me for being myself, unashamedly, and that it wasn’t just aesthetics that defined beauty, it was other things too. And sometimes the other things define the aesthetics too.
Today I love myself: I am fat, I’m tall, I smile a lot, I have bad skin but I use make up when I want to and not when I need to, I have long blonde hair on my head and fuzzy brown hair under my arms, I take great care to style myself, I make people laugh, and I help people love themselves.
It really doesn’t matter what other people say. They might stop you from taking part in things, but why would you want to take part in such things? Make your own opportunities to express yourself. That’s the beauty and the privilege of living in this day and age.
— Natalie · Apr 27, 04:44 PM · #
I just devoured this post and your other post. Incredible.
You have so much courage. THAT’S the definition of beautiful.
— Jamie Varon · Apr 27, 05:01 PM · #
http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/6-16-2006-99486.asp
In a recent paper entitled “What is beauty anyway?” came to the following conclusions: when asked what is beauty, men would say that a beautiful woman boils down to two characteristics: 1. Happy. 2. Healthy. Notice in the characteristics’ description, there is no specific mention about bums and boobs ….
And it is true. The “beautiful” people of the world are not the ones that are necessarily physically beautiful…
and yes, focus on your positives not your negatives. everyone has negatives.
I love women with a bit of a belly esp. because I love belly dancing. I always felt my ‘toned’ and lack of curves (because i’m ‘toned’) hindered me in that pursuit.
I am not ‘fat’.. yet even I will feel unattractive. It’s even worse when some of my income producing activities depend on my “outward” beauty more so than inward.
— Vanessa · Apr 27, 06:31 PM · #
YOU MISSED OUT ON YOUR NOSE.
I would KILL to have a nose like yours – well, actually, no, but you have an awesome nose. I wish I had a nose like yours.
And yeah, your teeth. God. I hate teeth-whitening ads because mine could never be that white. Just genetics, you know. But gosh darn do I ever get envious of people with them pearly whites!
— Jha · Apr 29, 09:27 AM · #