The Definition of Ugly

According to many beauty standards, I am the definition of ugly.

I have dark skin. In Malaysia there are ads everywhere promoting the concept of “fair and lovely”. Every makeup product contains something “skin-lightening”. I will never get an on-screen job because my skin is too dark. Even in Australia, where a tan is desired, I am still too dark – or perhaps “ethnic”, which can get annoying even when used positively as it makes me just Exotic Ethnic Person rather than Tiara Shafiq.

My face is pock-marked. I have a habit of picking on scars. There are dark circles under my eyes and grey patches on my cheeks. I have a faint moustache above my upper lip.

I am hairy. I can’t be bothered to shave. I do have a bush.

My ears are unpierced. 2 attempts, infected.

I bite my nails. The skin around my thumbs peel.

My hair is cropped short, and has a wave. It’s not long and ruler-straight like all the pretty girls in the ads in Malaysia. I prefer purple to blonde.

I can’t be bothered with makeup unless I’m dressing up in some sort of costume or I’m performing. Even then my colours are often off. My eyes frequently hold the glittering remnants of faerie warfare.

I am a size 12-14. In Malaysia this makes me XXL or more, and I end up only having sacks to wear. I have ample breasts (either 36D or 34FF depending on who you ask) which means nothing in any Malaysian boutique ever gets past my head or chest.

I am 5 foot 5. This makes me short, though my mum and sister keep going on about how “Tall” I am. Standing next to most Australians makes me look really tiny.

I have a belly. My waist is a little bit smaller than my hips, but not enough to make an alluring burlesque-y hourglass shape. This just adds to the plus-size sack dress options. This plus my height makes me look dumpy and squashed.

I have flat feet, diamond-shaped at the front, standing awkward in heels.

My butt is a little bit rounded at the top, then flat all the way down. I often feel my bones when I sit.

I am not often bothered by how I look. However, I do get annoyed or sad when I get passed over for things and it’s rather obvious that it’s due to my appearance. Even when I “make the effort” – dress up a little nicer, put some powder on, whatever – it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m not tall enough, fair enough, slim enough, toned enough. I’m too curvy, too spotty, too hairy, too lumpy.

About the only things going for me are my eyes. And maybe my sharp nose, which doesn’t require a cosmetic nose-pin (they sell these back in JB – they’re like clothespins but smaller, and you stick them on the end of your nose. Seriously. There’s also stickers to give you double eyelids.). But unless there’s a sudden opportunity to be an eye model, I’m not going to be heralded for my look anytime soon.

I don’t really aim to fix my body. I’m usually too lazy to anyway. I just wish that I could find clothes that fit that don’t fit an arm or a leg (at least Australia’s good with this), I could wear bright colourful makeup that doesn’t face on my face, I could stand out in photos instead of blending into the night, I could be the FACE of a project or channel or venture.

When people consider my features to be beautiful. When I don’t have to try to do anything to be beautiful.

I thought of a burlesque routine around this. I come out heavily made up, fair foundation all over, clear perfect faces and hairless bodies. Corsets and binding keeping all my body in shape. A wig with dark, long, straight, hair. Towering heels. Glamourous clothing and accessories. The perfect woman.

Superimposed on me are images and videos of the Fair & Lovely ads, or every product advertising its whitening properties. The Dove Real Women campaign videos. Ad shots everywhere. Light-skinned South Asian women prominent in the media. People being photoshopped. Other perfect women.

The music is soft at first, then gets harder and harder. Likely a track shouting out my worth as an object, my worth in my appearance. Perfect woman.

I strip off every glove, every bracelet, every fascinator. I reveal the boning marks left on my waist and belly by my corset. My fat and breasts and hips roll out of the girdles and bodyshapers. The hose rolls down to reveal hair, hair everywhere. The wig comes off to show spiky short dishevelled hair.

Each item has a caption, momentarily displayed. Who Is The Perfect Woman. Tuck Your Woman In. Fair Is Lovely, Lovely Is Not Fair.

I dip into a bowl of water and wipe the makeup off my face and body. I revel in ecstasy as the water drips down my naked body, over my rolls and flabs. Makeup stains down my face.

I am the Imperfect Woman, nude and bare to the world, dancing luxuriously with all her pimple scars and dry skin and bitten-off nail and hair on her face.

Comments

1. Awesome blog post.

   For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re ugly. But then I don’t give a shit about what marketing and media tells me should be beautiful.

   Lady, that smile lights your way.

   — Kath · Apr 25, 11:04 AM · #

2. You have a fantastic point – but I think you are the definition of beauty. You have no shame in who you are and are comfortable in your skin. You are beautiful. x

   — Siobhan · Apr 25, 02:02 PM · #

3. Thank you for writing this, it’s a nice piece, well worth reading.

   — The Bellman · Apr 25, 02:02 PM · #

4. Siobhan has it right. Never thought you were ugly. :D You are beautiful!

   — Naoko · Apr 26, 07:45 PM · #

5. I wouldn’t call you beautiful, but you’re not ugly either. You have pimple scars? Scars fade. You’re fat? Watching what you eat and how much you exercise will fix that. And I’ve never understood the fascination with long, straight hair. I had long straight hair. Everyone kept telling me to fucking cut it.

   If your pictures make you look dumpy and “squashed”, that’s not your fault, that’s the fault of the photographer who obviously doesn’t know how to work with your body type to bring out the best of your features.

   The problem with the patriarchy is that you just can’t please it, no matter what you do.

   And that act sounds wicked awesome.

   — Jha · Apr 27, 12:22 AM · #

6. Naoko directed me here; You’re very photogenic. You have a personality in your photos that shows, and that makes you more beautiful than anything any ad can come up with.

   — DMJewelle · Apr 27, 02:17 AM · #

7. You have a beautiful smile, keep smiling, it shows what a beautiful soul you have.

   — Alison · Apr 27, 07:04 AM · #

8. Also, Naoko directed me here. Not everyone is blessed with bloody awesome looks, but you have this air about you that shines through your pictures- that you’re a woman comfortable with who she is and will not succumb to all societal pressures and media. And that radiance from your confidence and personality really shows in all your photos and to me, that’s what makes you a truly awesome and beautiful person!

   If anything, this post of yours is certainly very inspiring and I do hope to be like you in this sense. :) (am just another Malaysian girl on the bigger side and constantly annoyed by society to be super slim and whatever)

   — Fenix · Apr 27, 01:49 PM · #

9. Hey everyone! Thank you so much for your support. I’ve posted a followup: http://www.tiarashafiq.com/2009/04/27/the-definition-of-beautiful

   — Tiara · Apr 27, 04:20 PM · #