Shifting centers

For most of my life I was very mind-centric. I was one of those people that pretty much lived in my head. I read a lot (still do), had an active imagination (still do), and wanted nothing more than to learn, learn, learn (still do).

I was hopeless with sports, or anything to do with my body. I couldn’t run, throw a ball, catch a ball. I did badminton and swimming for a while at school but was never great at it. I wanted to do gymnastics but was too big and too scared. I only climbed a tree once. Whenever I was the slightest bit ill, I was rushed to the doctors. And who gives a damn about personal appearance? No one ever looks at me anyway. Not like I was interested in attracting anyone – I was an asexual who couldn’t really see the point in sex. Too messy.

My soul was just slightly better. I grew up in an Islamic environment, taking Islamic classes for my entire schooling life. I’ve gone from clueless to pious to pious in a different way to non-religious to doubtful to searching, and possibly many ways around yet. I’m pretty sure of what I believe and how I express that belief; it’s more labels that confound me.

My heart just tended to be broken. I had no concept of romance or courtship; even as a teenager the closest I had to a relationship were long-standing crushes on people and spending a night with a Savage Garden poster in my arms. (My mum’s remark on her seeing me like this: “I think you’re ready for boys now.” None came for about 8 years.) I had very awkward interpersonal connections; friends didn’t come easily for me, and I was more often betrayed and outcasted than welcomed and accepted.

My body, soul, and heart floundered. But my mind – oh, that was very very strong. It was the only thing that mattered. I placed pride in how much I knew, how smart I was, how deeply I thought. I wasn’t one for academics and grades because I didn’t find most of the work challenging or engaging. I yearned for things that awoke my brain, got me thinking, sparked my neurons.

Of course, it wasn’t long before my neurons eventually fried. A lot of stress beginning at childhood led to full-blown anxiety and depression at 17, partly caused by misfiring neurons. My mind became both my escape to and escape from. I thrived in my head and was also trapped within it.

The next few years after that were a crazy mix of challenges to all my aspects – not just my mind. I moved around the country and around the world, challenging my physical endurance. I explored different spiritualities and questioned a lot of my previous beliefs. I gained the courage to actually make the first move in relationships – though I still didn’t get lucky with anybody.

When I moved to Australia, I slowly found my focus and center moving away from my mind. It was still important, but it didn’t quite hold as central a role as before. My heart finally found satisfaction in Mark , and my body flourished in its new dimension – what asexuality? As it is, it was getting more exercise than ever. My soul found expression in service, working hard to find ways to help other people.

Now I find myself more body-centered. I’m training in circus and burlesque three days a week, seven-and-a-half hours all up, and while I’m still not a champion sportsperson I am a great deal fitter and flexible than I ever was. I still don’t give a damn about fashion and trends, but I have gained a strong appreciation for costuming and creative styling. I’m fascinated by expressions and experiences of sexuality – not just in the raw sense, but as combined with psychology and creativity and culture and society. I move more. I flow more.

My spirit’s shifted its mode of focus; while there is still an interest in making a difference, it is a tad more academic. My heart is still strong with Mark but it has also expanded in its understanding of itself.

As for my mind? It’s funny; I don’t feel quite as sharp mentally as I used to. Not so much “oh goodness I feel stupid”, but I haven’t had quite the same mental challenges as I used to. No trivia questions or MENSA tests. Now it’s more about creating, about expressing the mind through the body. Focusing on moves and poses, clearing the mind when possible. Learning, but also doing.

I’m still a voracious reader and I still spend too much time online. But I don’t feel quite as lost in my head as I used to.

Comments

1. I feel the same way. I think it’s a part of growing up – just acknowledging all parts of your body and doing stuff that involves everything (body, soul, mind) really helps in engaging with, well, life.

   — Jha · Mar 30, 11:59 AM · #