A confession.

Since New Year’s Day 2006, I’ve been working hard on EducateDeviate and on everything related to it. Spending hours looking for opportunities to share with other young people, attending as many related events as I could, talking and networking and campaigning and learning. About a year into it, I became deeply involved with social enterprise and entrepreneurship. It blended my passion for social change with the need to incorporate more structure into my ideas. I have tons of books and binders full of printouts about setting up meetings, running organisations, other youth empowerment programs, other empowering young people. I’d draft ideas to bring the failed Brick in the Wall project up, bring alternative education to Malaysia, bring young Malaysians some respect. I’d be conference-hopping, sometimes spending thousands of dollars on airfare to meet other passionate young people doing something in their community. This was my lifeblood for the past few years.

I’m tired of it. I want out.

I first got sick of it all during the Brightest Young Minds conference. I had just been rejected from KaosPilots Rotterdam after a tumultuous 8 months of trying to get into any of their schools, going crazy about social enterprise and about getting admitted . I was bummed out, stressed, lonely, depressed – and, surrounded by 99 other “bright young minds”, I felt like an impostor. I proposed a few projects, but never really had any desire to bring them to fruition – I just wish someone would do it for me. I didn’t have a brighter future in mind. No set goals. I was spent. I spent some evenings crying alone in a room in the university (I did get rescued by the other attendees, who were awesome on their own).

On the last day there was a quote on the slides by Mahatma Gandhi. Something along the lines of “The moment you feel you cannot change the world is the moment you begin to die.”. That was me. I had started to die.

I still flitted with social change and social enterprise and alternative education for the next few months. I was dealing with a lot of stress – work experience, final semester, tumultuous relationships, bad hormones. It was crazy time. I was going nuts. The things I thought would sustain me for life now don’t even look desirable.

I admire people who work hard to make a difference. They are an absolute inspiration. I too want to have a positive impact somehow; it’s just that I’ve grown tired of my current methods.

I’ve grown cynical of effective social change. I believe world peace is impossible because humanity has the innate need to fight and destroy. I’ve been away from Malaysia for long enough that I’ve lost touch with what’s going on. The EducateDeviate blog has run its course as a blog. For it to be more effective it needs to do real-world outreach things – resource centres, roadshows, school talks. But I’m not sure I particularly want to work on any of those.

Right now other things excite me. Performance has always been therapy for me but right now it’s become more life-affirming than ever. Even just going to burlesque classes can lift me out of a stressful dour mood. Human sexuality is utterly interesting. All the nuances! The politics! The psychology innate in sexual expression! A formerly taboo world now open for exploration. What lies beneath?

I would rather either hang around in Brisbane and travel around Australia (and perhaps elsewhere) doing burlesque performances, working on creative projects, swapping lines with other fun creative people. Or go to San Francisco, apparently the Center of the World for creativity and sexual positivism and Reclaiming, and explore a whole different world for a while. Or go on an educational cruise ship and travel with young people across the world. Or be one of Hipster Runoff’s mocked alts semi-tongue-in-cheek, write a nonpariel blog Gala Darling style and earn enough money while sleeping to do whatever I want and wear whatever I want.

None of those involve going back to Malaysia to set up a youth center and rally for youth rights (which I can’t really do anyway, since it’d jeopardise my permanent residency and potential citizenship). None of those involve writing a business plan, sitting with governments, being at a protest rally. None of those involve posting opportunities only to have people email you asking for every single resource you’ve collected.

Writing the Sauve Scholars app to research peer-to-peer youth empowerment methods felt more like something I should do, something that is morally right and maintains my reputation. But honestly? If all my costs were covered for a year I’d pick up a ton of dance moves, travel around the place, and learn whatever looked interesting at the time. I’d be more open and spontaneous. I’d be able to do utterly stupid things and not worry about sacrificing my lifelihood. I’d take more risks.

It’s not that I’ve totally lost interest in empowering young people, in alternative ways of learning and schooling. They still intrigue me. I’m just tired of feeling like I have to either be the national representative, or that I have to actually do something to be considered legitimate. I’d like to get involved, but I don’t know if I necessarily want to be the person that creates the opportunity to get involved in the first place. I want to take it casual, do it on my own time, not feel resentful for not spending 5 hours a day on them. Take breaks when I want to. Shake my head around.

This is why I keep saying I don’t know what to do. Because I don’t want to get stuck in one thing, especially one thing forever. Not when my passions change every 5 years! Not when I have multiple personalities with multiple desires! (more on that soon) I’m ever evolving and I’d like to keep that a constant.

So what shall I do? Put EducateDeviate on infinite hiatus? Go to sleep because I might just be rambling? Where now?

Comments

1. You’ll be happier and therefore far more productive and useful to the world if you follow that urge. Doing what we’re “supposed” to do always slows us down, even if what we’re “supposed” to do is particularly grand and impactful. It’s better to follow the urge.

   I dunno how sleepy you are, but everything you said made a ton of sense. Could you look for someone who would be a better fit for ED and show them what they need to know, and hand it off? (Maybe gradually, if there are people depending on the site?)

   Is there a performance-related school that would allow you to go to the location you want (or stay in the location you want) and do something that really moves you for awhile? If you can get to the place and establish yourself doing something you enjoy, you can take your free time and build up some income generators — and then by the time whatever-that-thing-is is over, maybe you have a lot more resources to draw on.

   Wild speculation. Rooting for you from this corner!

   — Megan M. · Feb 8, 12:11 AM · #

2. Hi Tiara!

   I’ve done social work for years and there seems to be a life span attached to projects. And even if the life span is long, sometimes my interest is not. It’s ok to accept you accomplished what you did and move on to the next great passion (like moaning!) You don’t have to stay stuck (even if there is sacredness in it).

   — Loran · Feb 10, 08:24 AM · #

3. http://creaturecomforts.typepad.com/quote%20of%20the%20week-3.jpg

   — Kakak · Feb 10, 09:59 PM · #